Bookwork

When I started this whole process I decided that I needed to do an inventory to find out some important information.  Without information, there is no transformation. 

Eat. Sleep. Move 

I had to take stock and measure not just what I was eating, but how much I was moving and sleeping.  People underestimate how important the last two items affect your health.  Not just moving to exercise, but how much do you move in an average day.  I had no idea how sedentary I had become.  My job now entails sitting at a desk 8 hours a day, only moving to get a cup of coffee or to find files.  Never mind exercising, I wasn't moving at all during the day and very little at night.  So I took stock.  I measured not just my steps with a pedometer, but how many miles I logged on the exercise machines or miles I walked, I measured how much yard work I did and walking around the big box stores or at the mall.  It was interesting that when I became more conscious of how little I was moving how easy it was to increase. 

So in addition to keeping a food diary I keep a exercise chart and a sleep chart.  I've mentioned before how important it is for a person to get sufficient sleep.  I have noticed that since I started to keep track of the amount of sleep I'm getting, I can accurately guess how much weight I'm losing.  It's true, the better you sleep, the more weight you lose.  The more you sleep, the better you move.  The more you sleep, the better your attitude toward this whole process.  So keeping track is now a must for me. 

Does this all seem a little obsessive?  It does to me sometimes.  I think there is a fine line between being focused and being compulsive and I do at times cross that line.  But again, if I don't inventory my mental state I wouldn't notice that I was being overly focused, that inventory helps keep me balanced. 

You have to walk that fine line.  You have to be aware without being obsessed.  I often use to wonder how people with total body dis-morphia get that way, I wonder no longer.  We get busy in this world and we focus on other things.  How much money we make, how much crap we can buy, how much the neighbors buy.  We lose track of ourselves.  Inventorying is a way for us to find ourselves again.

At this point I'm hoping that this constant surveillance will soon move into a type of observation that is less focused and more natural.  Keeping track of my body, mind and attitude without having to be obsessive about it.  That's when I know that the lifestyle change is truly taking affect.  Like Zen it will be doing nothing and achieving much.

An update, I'm online to reach my goal of a ten pound weight loss in the month of May.  I have 3 more pounds to go.

Eating Plan

Sorry I haven't posted in a few weeks, life sometimes interrupts. 

Many of you have asked about what eating plan I'm following and I do recall that I said I would share that during this process.  I'm a bit hesitant though because it's not my plan, I received it from someone else and I don't want to step on their toes economically or otherwise in order to share.  So I'm looking for a way to link to their site and they may ask for a small fee for the advice.  I will keep you up to date as to that process. 

Trust.  Big Issue with me.  I trust no one.  Never have.  While that is a defensive mechanism I've built over time in response to others trustworthiness, or lack thereof, its' not a trait I'm particularly fond of.  The question for me is how to negate my natural instincts and go with my head, not my gut. 

In the past month I've had this situation come up several times.  I'll make a decision with my head and afterword I get intense buyers remorse.  I start to question myself and it's because while my head says this is ok, you can trust this situation, you can trust these individuals, my guts are tied up in knots.  In fact my instincts bombard me with icky feelings and it quite literally drives me crazy. 

I had not realized how much of my decision making is not in my head.  A year ago I would have told you just the opposite in fact.  I've started to notice that I intuitively pick up on feelings, vibes and energy when I decide things.  I've hired many a person not based on their qualifications, but on the vibe I get from them.  I just never realized that I was doing it.  Now that I do, I just need to learn to trust it.  Because quite frankly I have really good instincts.  I also need to learn that sometimes my head isn't right, those icky feelings are trying to tell me something that I need to know. 

Before this epiphany I think I used to try and avoid those icky feelings.  I would ignore them, I would try to eat them away, drink them away, or some other avoidance mechanism.  Quite frankly they are not fun feelings.  But a wise person once told me you have to feel, good or bad, you have to allow yourself those emotions, or you are dead inside.  I've spent my whole life trying to avoid the nasty icky instincts that I have, when I really should have opened myself up to them, they have served me well, if subconsciously. 

I hope everybody has a great weekend.  And remember, let people in your life fuck up every once in while.  That's what makes them human and that's what makes them loveable.  I for one don't want to be in a relationship with a robot.  I apologize to anybody out there who I've judged lacking because they were going thru their shit.  I'll try my best not to do that anymore. 

Good weekend all. 

Just call me Daffy Duck

I tend to slam through life like the proverbial bull in a china shop.  I can't remember ever being reflective, just blast through to the next thing at mach 1 with my hair on fire.  This tendency, while not exactly expansive has served it's purpose in my life.  I have no regrets.  I don't think back and say if only I had done it this way, or if I had made this decision, or not done this.  I've never had a guilty conscience, nor do I want to go back and have do overs.  Recently I have figured out that this modus operandi is a survival technique. I needed it to navigate my way through the mine fields of my existence, however perhaps I have grown past the point in my life when I needed to operate this way and needed to search out a more meaningful existence. 

I don't know why it is but I've been very introspective of late.  I've been thinking about how I got to where I am, I guess in preparation to figure out where I'm going from here.  For the first time in my life I am thinking not just in the present, but in the future; and more specifically how my present behavior and the choices I make are going to affect my future.

My journey isn't just about weight loss folks.  You might say I've had a series of small epiphanies.  Nothing grandiose, just little every day mini enlightenment.   Maybe it's because I'm sitting still for periods of time now days, instead of doing a complete daffy duck impression.  Or maybe it's because somebody who I admired as shown me the example of what a blessing a fully examined life can be.  That in order to grow as an individual I need to figure out how to make better decisions.  Maybe it's my current obsession with reading the obituaries in the paper and wondering what mine might say and how I am defined.  Not how you define me, but how do I define myself.  If I'm not Mary Lou's daughter or Jacob's mother, or so and so's boss, who the hell am I?  Once I started on this question it opened up a whole bunch of new cans of worms. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I have any regrets about the decisions I've made to this point, I'm just saying that in reviewing the decisions I've made I might make a different choice in the future. I did some dumb ass things in my youth, and frankly I continue to do dumb ass things, but if I'm to become a fully evolved Sarah, I need to make some changes and become less reactionary and more thoughtful.  Wish me luck. 


I have lost an additional 5 pounds in the last week.  I don't know why or how, I haven't altered anything I'm doing.  I'll take it even if I don't know how I did it.

Stay tuned, next week I'm going to address my working out and rediscovering the athlete I buried under layers of fat.

  

I

Goal Met

Well it's official.  I am 10 pounds lighter at the end of April.  That was my goal and I achieved it and I'm actually two days early. 

Was a rough month.  Work has been very stressful.  I've plateaued for about a week.  I haven't been getting the best sleep in the world.  But through it all I've kept my head and learned a bunch of new things and alas, I have success.  This blog has definitely helped in that when I'm writing I have to think about what is going on with me and it helps me deal with that in a manner not usual, but helpful.  

Next month's goal is the same; 10 pounds.  I've lost, neigh, dropped a total of 55 pounds.  While I'm proud of myself, I don't want to get too wrapped up in the moment.  It's nice to lose that kind of weight, but I will be successful when I can honestly say that I've changed my lifestyle and become a more complete, evolved and healthier human being.  That in the end is what this process is all about. 

Thanks for all the support out there, it's been awesome. 

Junkie

It's the middle of the day and I'm at work, supposedly working on various and sundry tasks which I have no interest in whatsoever.  Then I stop, think to myself "self, that is a poor attitude".  "get a grip, you could be collecting carts at Wal Mart".  Is that supposed to help?  It doesn't.  A particular weakness of mine beyond the plethora that I have is that I have a really low boredom threshold.  Now, that doesn't sound that dangerous, but trust me, it is.

On any given day I suppose I could be considered an adrenalin junkie.  I love that little goose you get when faced with a particular problem or situation.  Not only do I love it, I'm addicted to it...I seek it out and will at times create issues where none existed before, just so I can get that feeling.  Now just because I recognize that in myself doesn't mean I have control over that particular behavior.  It just means that I try not to give in.  I was sitting here not 45 minutes ago contemplating what I could do to ease the mundane tasks of my day.  What danger lurks out there that I could find and thoroughly exploit?  I came up with a few and they would have sufficed, but I pulled myself back and realized I didn't want to suffer the short term or long term consequences of participating in any of them.  What consequences you say? 

1. Creating a crises makes the day less boring, but it doesn't do much for any of your relationships.
2. Scaring the hell out of people is rude and inappropriate behavior
3. Staff people rarely like it when the boss is seeking a rush at their expense.
4. Your boss might not appreciate that you are slightly bored by the tasks that you have been assigned and so you are seeking a way to complicate matters.

So, here I sit, diligently ignoring the fact that I am catatonic with regimentation, dutifully fulfilling every mind numbing task I have assigned myself this day.

What has any of this to do with my weight loss journey?  You have to take a holistic approach to life.  What effects your emotions and your mind also affects your body.  The behavior of creating crisis or establishing a dangerous pattern is not going to be helpful in my endeavor to change physical behaviors.  Actually changing my physical behaviors is much easier than changing my adaptive behaviors, my emotional reactions, my mental health breakdowns.  Just another lesson learned. 

On another note I had a physical yesterday.  I'm pleased to report that all my tests came back very positively.  Despite my best past efforts, my cholesterol and sugar levels were all great.  My liver and lung/heart, circulatory functions are all excellent.   Now while I would like to claim credit for that, I must admit that it's probably mostly genetic.  My mother is 81 and my father 85.  They aren't in perfect health, but they still get around very well for their age.  I'd like to be able to say the same someday, but I can't keep playing Russian Roulette with my DNA pool.



Anybody out there needing advice on any of the issues that make up your day, go to www.cathyisin.com.  She can help.   

Becoming Half the Person I Used To Be: The Plateau

Becoming Half the Person I Used To Be: The Plateau: Drive for any distance in Wyoming and you will encounter some of the most beautiful geographical structures ever seen called plateaus.  A r...

The Plateau

Drive for any distance in Wyoming and you will encounter some of the most beautiful geographical structures ever seen called plateaus.  A rolling high flat table like structure, these formations have been created by ages of wind and rain and snow erosion.   They make up the vistas of the west, breathtaking in their breadth and glorious in their beauty.  My personal favorite of these structures sits about 20 miles from my hometown.  Its is called the Bigelow Bench a ridge that runs right over the top of the Continental Divide.  From the top you can see for 40 miles in any direction...in the distance vista you can see both the snow capped Uinta Mountains and the magnificent Wind River Range.  

There are plateaus and there are plateaus.  From the magnificent to the frustrating.  Yep you've guessed it, I've hit the dreaded weight plateau and that is a plateau I could live without.  

After 2 months of quick 40 pound weight loss I'm a little stuck.  I'm making the same food choices, exercising as much, if not a little bit more, but each pound is painstakingly slow to come off now.  It's at this point when the bounce in your step and the glitter in your eye from your huge successes begin to fade a little. When the process becomes egregious and more like work.  If you're not very careful and understand this part of the process it can really set you back. 

I've had to remind myself more than once this week that this is not an overnight process.  That I'm not just losing weight, I'm trying to change my lifestyle, to be healthier and to live a better quality life.   We live in an instant gratification society and I'm as guilty as the next person of wanting what I want now, not tomorrow, not 2 months from now.  It's hard to not resort to throwing myself on the floor in a tantrum of impatience and scream and kick my feet. 

When the plateau occurs there are a number of ways that I can deal with it.  I can give up and say fuck it, I'm not working my ass off to see no results.  I can decrease my food intake.  I can exercise more.  Or, I can follow the long term investment plan. 

All of these choices come with consequences.  If I give up of course I will fail and the ultimate goal that I am trying to achieve will go unmet.   I've lost a few pounds and then I'll put it right back on with a little more to spare.  If I eat less I step onto a slippery slope of starvation diet.  That's right, I eat less and less until I'm not eating at all.  That's another kind of eating disorder that would take me from the frying pan into the fire.  I could exercise more, but I'm not sure when I could possibly do that.  I work out for an hour and a half in the morning and take at least a hour hike at night.  Not only do I not have the time but I don't want to trade one addiction for another.  There is a healthy level of exercise and then there is compunction, obsession, addiction.  That leaves the long term investment plan.  It's how I keep my financial health, so why is it not good enough to keep my physical health?  I'm not investing in tomorrow, I'm investing in the next 30 years.  My portfolio will grow over time at a nice rate of about .05% per month.  Not even Suze Orman would scoff at that.

So I'll keep driving along this plateau until eventually  I either climb into the mountains or roll down into a picturesque valley.  It won't be effortless, or fun, but it's worth it. 

In Wyoming if you drive far enough the gorgeous plateau ends.  Nothing good lasts forever, but then nothing bad does either.

If any of you are interested in may these kind of life changes I highly recommend you go to www.cathyisin.com.  This lady is great at giving you the tools necessary to make some serious progress.