Thursday, July 19, 2012

The underbelly

I have trust issues.  No, it's true,  I don't trust anybody.  Not sure how I became such a trust-a-phobe, but I'm sure it has to do with my deep dark child hood etc. 

To feel vulnerable is a scary thing.  Truly it's probably the thing that scares me the most.  I mean it gives me a fucking stomach ache and nausea and I get the cold sweats.  When I freely give my trust to someone, it's a big deal.  It means that I sense something in them, integrity wise that will keep me secure.

People like myself have a very tough outer layer.  Rhinoceros hide my mother used to call it.  Very tough, multi-layered defense mechanisms in the extreme.  But what you might not know is that those mechanisms are put in place to protect a very soft delicate underbelly.  A place where we can be eviscerated at any moment by a single thrust.  If we expose our underbelly to you, if you betray us you can kill us.  That's the very thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and furthermore is the one trigger that I need to address the most in my behavior modification plan. 

Somebody said something the other day to me about people eating because being enveloped in fat makes them feel less vulnerable.  Sort of a stunning statement and one that rang especially true to me.  It's another layer of defense.  It's a way to keep people away from your soft underbelly and their ability to eviscerate you.  Ringing affirmative, gaining weight was another way for me to feel less vulnerable. 

I noticed the other day that I have allowed more people into my life and let them get closer to me than I usually do.  I trust them.  I really do.  But as soon as I trust them I still get that feeling of defenselessness.  That definitely triggers a desire to cover my under belly, to protect my core with another layer  This is not going to be an easy fix folks.  This is a core defense of mine.  But it keeps me from a level of intimacy that I should have and it keeps me in a mindset that is inherently self destructive.  Ironic that the very thing that you use for defense is the thing that is destructive to a healthy self.

So, I began last week to work on these issues.  I picked a therapist and promised myself to work very diligently to alter this defense.  It's going to take awhile.

In the meantime I have not submitted to my desire to increase my mass in order to protect myself.  I am still on goal and working hard to keep the weight off, eat healthy and change my lifestyle.  By the end of July I expect to be 10 additional pounds less protected than I am now.  :)

If any of you are suffering through the same type of issues I encourage you to seek assistance.  Sometimes as smart as we like to think we are we have to have help.  Get some.


1 comment:

  1. This.

    I think, one day, you and I, just us, ought to sit down and talk like friends and not family.