Thursday, July 19, 2012

The underbelly

I have trust issues.  No, it's true,  I don't trust anybody.  Not sure how I became such a trust-a-phobe, but I'm sure it has to do with my deep dark child hood etc. 

To feel vulnerable is a scary thing.  Truly it's probably the thing that scares me the most.  I mean it gives me a fucking stomach ache and nausea and I get the cold sweats.  When I freely give my trust to someone, it's a big deal.  It means that I sense something in them, integrity wise that will keep me secure.

People like myself have a very tough outer layer.  Rhinoceros hide my mother used to call it.  Very tough, multi-layered defense mechanisms in the extreme.  But what you might not know is that those mechanisms are put in place to protect a very soft delicate underbelly.  A place where we can be eviscerated at any moment by a single thrust.  If we expose our underbelly to you, if you betray us you can kill us.  That's the very thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and furthermore is the one trigger that I need to address the most in my behavior modification plan. 

Somebody said something the other day to me about people eating because being enveloped in fat makes them feel less vulnerable.  Sort of a stunning statement and one that rang especially true to me.  It's another layer of defense.  It's a way to keep people away from your soft underbelly and their ability to eviscerate you.  Ringing affirmative, gaining weight was another way for me to feel less vulnerable. 

I noticed the other day that I have allowed more people into my life and let them get closer to me than I usually do.  I trust them.  I really do.  But as soon as I trust them I still get that feeling of defenselessness.  That definitely triggers a desire to cover my under belly, to protect my core with another layer  This is not going to be an easy fix folks.  This is a core defense of mine.  But it keeps me from a level of intimacy that I should have and it keeps me in a mindset that is inherently self destructive.  Ironic that the very thing that you use for defense is the thing that is destructive to a healthy self.

So, I began last week to work on these issues.  I picked a therapist and promised myself to work very diligently to alter this defense.  It's going to take awhile.

In the meantime I have not submitted to my desire to increase my mass in order to protect myself.  I am still on goal and working hard to keep the weight off, eat healthy and change my lifestyle.  By the end of July I expect to be 10 additional pounds less protected than I am now.  :)

If any of you are suffering through the same type of issues I encourage you to seek assistance.  Sometimes as smart as we like to think we are we have to have help.  Get some.


Friday, June 29, 2012

On the Go!!

It's been awhile since I've blogged.  I have no excuse other than I've been relocated for the summer and am traveling extensively.  Which brings me to the subject of my blog today.  Adopting eating behaviors that are consistent, at home and on the go.

Used to be that when I went to visit friends or was traveling for work I would eat like crap.  There's is so much stuff to choose from out on the road, and restaurants...forget about it.  I used to lose my mind in restaurants.  I love appetizers and the more gluten laden the better.  Bread and rolls, especially really nutty flavored dark bread is like crack for me.  (I'm sitting here thinking about the flavor and drooling).  So in the old days I would totally let down any sort of eating plan and go right for the bad stuff.  The highly processed food with too much sodium and fat and carbs was like a siren calling in my ear.  Needless to say that once I had partaken of any of that, specifically the molten fudge lava brownie, I would immediately return home and my eating plan would be shot to hell.  The trick to this whole thing as I've found is you have to be consistent.  Just because I cross the city limits does not mean that any of my issues change.  The realization of this has kept me on track to meet my goal to change my eating behaviors and patterns and has kept me losing weight and eating healthy whilst jetting across the country.

I've also found ways that I can work out while I'm traveling.  I carry stress bands with me and an exercise ball to work out in my hotel room.  Most hotels now have at least some exercise equipment and if nothing else you can always go for a hike or a walk.  Again, consistent behavior has been my savior in this endeavor.  I must confess it's not easy to change patterns in life.  It finally hit me like a bolt of lightening out of the sky that nothing changes unless I change and it's not something you can accomplish by taking a pill or just wishing.  It's damn hard work and you have to want it bad.   

Since I have opened up my mind to change I see that there are broader choices out there.  I now peruse the menu looking for non processed items that I can eat and avoid all the sugar, fat and sodium.  I still get to go to restaurants with friends and enjoy the social aspect of eating and visiting and drinking some wine, while still practicing those behaviors that HAVE to become second nature to me.

I'm not there yet folks.  Everyday gets a little easier and I have to do much less thinking about how to behave, but like any human being I slip.  The trick is to get right back to it.

I can report that I made my goal for the month of June and lost 10 more pounds.  That is a total of 75 pounds.  That seems like a lot.  Carry 75 pound weights around for a day and see how tired you get, how much your joints ache and realize how little you can do.  I'm half way to where I need to be weight wise.  I'm getting there slowly behavior wise. 

I decided that at the end of each blog I will post a recipe that I have found or invented.  Today's is Broccoli Slaw with Almonds

1 cup broccoli slaw
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 cup slivered almonds
cajun spice

Braise the broccoli slaw and almonds in olive oil until slightly tender.  Add a teaspoon of cajun spice.

It's yummy, even if you hate broccoli.

If you are interested in getting some assistance with weight loss or pursuing behavior change go to  She can help.  

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Dis and Dat

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, I've been sick.   I never get sick, but last week I started to get a tickle in my throat and by Tuesday I felt like stomped crap.  At any rate I thought I would update everyone as to the progress of operation life change. 

I did make my goal weight for May.  I lost 10 more pounds.  My goal this month is to do the same. 

I haven't been able to workout for 3 days and it's driving me crazy.  I think I am becoming addicted to how I feel when I work out.  Not to actually working out mind you.  That still sucks.  But after I'm done and the endorphins are pulsing through my system I feel fantastic.  It also helps that I'm starting to be able to do many more physical activities.  My goal for the end of the summer is to take the 10 mile hike up Mount Baldy in the Uinta Mountains.  I just hope I start feeling better so I don't lose my stamina. 

I will say one thing.  This whole process is becoming routine for me.  The food that I eat and getting up everyday and exercising.  I'm finding that the choices I make come more naturally now and I have to think less about them.  Instead of reaching for a Cinnamon Roll at work, I grab a banana.  So I feel like I'm making real progress toward substantial behavior changes. 

Thursday, May 24, 2012


When I started this whole process I decided that I needed to do an inventory to find out some important information.  Without information, there is no transformation. 

Eat. Sleep. Move 

I had to take stock and measure not just what I was eating, but how much I was moving and sleeping.  People underestimate how important the last two items affect your health.  Not just moving to exercise, but how much do you move in an average day.  I had no idea how sedentary I had become.  My job now entails sitting at a desk 8 hours a day, only moving to get a cup of coffee or to find files.  Never mind exercising, I wasn't moving at all during the day and very little at night.  So I took stock.  I measured not just my steps with a pedometer, but how many miles I logged on the exercise machines or miles I walked, I measured how much yard work I did and walking around the big box stores or at the mall.  It was interesting that when I became more conscious of how little I was moving how easy it was to increase. 

So in addition to keeping a food diary I keep a exercise chart and a sleep chart.  I've mentioned before how important it is for a person to get sufficient sleep.  I have noticed that since I started to keep track of the amount of sleep I'm getting, I can accurately guess how much weight I'm losing.  It's true, the better you sleep, the more weight you lose.  The more you sleep, the better you move.  The more you sleep, the better your attitude toward this whole process.  So keeping track is now a must for me. 

Does this all seem a little obsessive?  It does to me sometimes.  I think there is a fine line between being focused and being compulsive and I do at times cross that line.  But again, if I don't inventory my mental state I wouldn't notice that I was being overly focused, that inventory helps keep me balanced. 

You have to walk that fine line.  You have to be aware without being obsessed.  I often use to wonder how people with total body dis-morphia get that way, I wonder no longer.  We get busy in this world and we focus on other things.  How much money we make, how much crap we can buy, how much the neighbors buy.  We lose track of ourselves.  Inventorying is a way for us to find ourselves again.

At this point I'm hoping that this constant surveillance will soon move into a type of observation that is less focused and more natural.  Keeping track of my body, mind and attitude without having to be obsessive about it.  That's when I know that the lifestyle change is truly taking affect.  Like Zen it will be doing nothing and achieving much.

An update, I'm online to reach my goal of a ten pound weight loss in the month of May.  I have 3 more pounds to go.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Eating Plan

Sorry I haven't posted in a few weeks, life sometimes interrupts. 

Many of you have asked about what eating plan I'm following and I do recall that I said I would share that during this process.  I'm a bit hesitant though because it's not my plan, I received it from someone else and I don't want to step on their toes economically or otherwise in order to share.  So I'm looking for a way to link to their site and they may ask for a small fee for the advice.  I will keep you up to date as to that process. 

Trust.  Big Issue with me.  I trust no one.  Never have.  While that is a defensive mechanism I've built over time in response to others trustworthiness, or lack thereof, its' not a trait I'm particularly fond of.  The question for me is how to negate my natural instincts and go with my head, not my gut. 

In the past month I've had this situation come up several times.  I'll make a decision with my head and afterword I get intense buyers remorse.  I start to question myself and it's because while my head says this is ok, you can trust this situation, you can trust these individuals, my guts are tied up in knots.  In fact my instincts bombard me with icky feelings and it quite literally drives me crazy. 

I had not realized how much of my decision making is not in my head.  A year ago I would have told you just the opposite in fact.  I've started to notice that I intuitively pick up on feelings, vibes and energy when I decide things.  I've hired many a person not based on their qualifications, but on the vibe I get from them.  I just never realized that I was doing it.  Now that I do, I just need to learn to trust it.  Because quite frankly I have really good instincts.  I also need to learn that sometimes my head isn't right, those icky feelings are trying to tell me something that I need to know. 

Before this epiphany I think I used to try and avoid those icky feelings.  I would ignore them, I would try to eat them away, drink them away, or some other avoidance mechanism.  Quite frankly they are not fun feelings.  But a wise person once told me you have to feel, good or bad, you have to allow yourself those emotions, or you are dead inside.  I've spent my whole life trying to avoid the nasty icky instincts that I have, when I really should have opened myself up to them, they have served me well, if subconsciously. 

I hope everybody has a great weekend.  And remember, let people in your life fuck up every once in while.  That's what makes them human and that's what makes them loveable.  I for one don't want to be in a relationship with a robot.  I apologize to anybody out there who I've judged lacking because they were going thru their shit.  I'll try my best not to do that anymore. 

Good weekend all. 

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Just call me Daffy Duck

I tend to slam through life like the proverbial bull in a china shop.  I can't remember ever being reflective, just blast through to the next thing at mach 1 with my hair on fire.  This tendency, while not exactly expansive has served it's purpose in my life.  I have no regrets.  I don't think back and say if only I had done it this way, or if I had made this decision, or not done this.  I've never had a guilty conscience, nor do I want to go back and have do overs.  Recently I have figured out that this modus operandi is a survival technique. I needed it to navigate my way through the mine fields of my existence, however perhaps I have grown past the point in my life when I needed to operate this way and needed to search out a more meaningful existence. 

I don't know why it is but I've been very introspective of late.  I've been thinking about how I got to where I am, I guess in preparation to figure out where I'm going from here.  For the first time in my life I am thinking not just in the present, but in the future; and more specifically how my present behavior and the choices I make are going to affect my future.

My journey isn't just about weight loss folks.  You might say I've had a series of small epiphanies.  Nothing grandiose, just little every day mini enlightenment.   Maybe it's because I'm sitting still for periods of time now days, instead of doing a complete daffy duck impression.  Or maybe it's because somebody who I admired as shown me the example of what a blessing a fully examined life can be.  That in order to grow as an individual I need to figure out how to make better decisions.  Maybe it's my current obsession with reading the obituaries in the paper and wondering what mine might say and how I am defined.  Not how you define me, but how do I define myself.  If I'm not Mary Lou's daughter or Jacob's mother, or so and so's boss, who the hell am I?  Once I started on this question it opened up a whole bunch of new cans of worms. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I have any regrets about the decisions I've made to this point, I'm just saying that in reviewing the decisions I've made I might make a different choice in the future. I did some dumb ass things in my youth, and frankly I continue to do dumb ass things, but if I'm to become a fully evolved Sarah, I need to make some changes and become less reactionary and more thoughtful.  Wish me luck. 

I have lost an additional 5 pounds in the last week.  I don't know why or how, I haven't altered anything I'm doing.  I'll take it even if I don't know how I did it.

Stay tuned, next week I'm going to address my working out and rediscovering the athlete I buried under layers of fat.



Sunday, April 29, 2012

Goal Met

Well it's official.  I am 10 pounds lighter at the end of April.  That was my goal and I achieved it and I'm actually two days early. 

Was a rough month.  Work has been very stressful.  I've plateaued for about a week.  I haven't been getting the best sleep in the world.  But through it all I've kept my head and learned a bunch of new things and alas, I have success.  This blog has definitely helped in that when I'm writing I have to think about what is going on with me and it helps me deal with that in a manner not usual, but helpful.  

Next month's goal is the same; 10 pounds.  I've lost, neigh, dropped a total of 55 pounds.  While I'm proud of myself, I don't want to get too wrapped up in the moment.  It's nice to lose that kind of weight, but I will be successful when I can honestly say that I've changed my lifestyle and become a more complete, evolved and healthier human being.  That in the end is what this process is all about. 

Thanks for all the support out there, it's been awesome. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


It's the middle of the day and I'm at work, supposedly working on various and sundry tasks which I have no interest in whatsoever.  Then I stop, think to myself "self, that is a poor attitude".  "get a grip, you could be collecting carts at Wal Mart".  Is that supposed to help?  It doesn't.  A particular weakness of mine beyond the plethora that I have is that I have a really low boredom threshold.  Now, that doesn't sound that dangerous, but trust me, it is.

On any given day I suppose I could be considered an adrenalin junkie.  I love that little goose you get when faced with a particular problem or situation.  Not only do I love it, I'm addicted to it...I seek it out and will at times create issues where none existed before, just so I can get that feeling.  Now just because I recognize that in myself doesn't mean I have control over that particular behavior.  It just means that I try not to give in.  I was sitting here not 45 minutes ago contemplating what I could do to ease the mundane tasks of my day.  What danger lurks out there that I could find and thoroughly exploit?  I came up with a few and they would have sufficed, but I pulled myself back and realized I didn't want to suffer the short term or long term consequences of participating in any of them.  What consequences you say? 

1. Creating a crises makes the day less boring, but it doesn't do much for any of your relationships.
2. Scaring the hell out of people is rude and inappropriate behavior
3. Staff people rarely like it when the boss is seeking a rush at their expense.
4. Your boss might not appreciate that you are slightly bored by the tasks that you have been assigned and so you are seeking a way to complicate matters.

So, here I sit, diligently ignoring the fact that I am catatonic with regimentation, dutifully fulfilling every mind numbing task I have assigned myself this day.

What has any of this to do with my weight loss journey?  You have to take a holistic approach to life.  What effects your emotions and your mind also affects your body.  The behavior of creating crisis or establishing a dangerous pattern is not going to be helpful in my endeavor to change physical behaviors.  Actually changing my physical behaviors is much easier than changing my adaptive behaviors, my emotional reactions, my mental health breakdowns.  Just another lesson learned. 

On another note I had a physical yesterday.  I'm pleased to report that all my tests came back very positively.  Despite my best past efforts, my cholesterol and sugar levels were all great.  My liver and lung/heart, circulatory functions are all excellent.   Now while I would like to claim credit for that, I must admit that it's probably mostly genetic.  My mother is 81 and my father 85.  They aren't in perfect health, but they still get around very well for their age.  I'd like to be able to say the same someday, but I can't keep playing Russian Roulette with my DNA pool.

Anybody out there needing advice on any of the issues that make up your day, go to  She can help.   

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Becoming Half the Person I Used To Be: The Plateau

Becoming Half the Person I Used To Be: The Plateau: Drive for any distance in Wyoming and you will encounter some of the most beautiful geographical structures ever seen called plateaus.  A r...

The Plateau

Drive for any distance in Wyoming and you will encounter some of the most beautiful geographical structures ever seen called plateaus.  A rolling high flat table like structure, these formations have been created by ages of wind and rain and snow erosion.   They make up the vistas of the west, breathtaking in their breadth and glorious in their beauty.  My personal favorite of these structures sits about 20 miles from my hometown.  Its is called the Bigelow Bench a ridge that runs right over the top of the Continental Divide.  From the top you can see for 40 miles in any the distance vista you can see both the snow capped Uinta Mountains and the magnificent Wind River Range.  

There are plateaus and there are plateaus.  From the magnificent to the frustrating.  Yep you've guessed it, I've hit the dreaded weight plateau and that is a plateau I could live without.  

After 2 months of quick 40 pound weight loss I'm a little stuck.  I'm making the same food choices, exercising as much, if not a little bit more, but each pound is painstakingly slow to come off now.  It's at this point when the bounce in your step and the glitter in your eye from your huge successes begin to fade a little. When the process becomes egregious and more like work.  If you're not very careful and understand this part of the process it can really set you back. 

I've had to remind myself more than once this week that this is not an overnight process.  That I'm not just losing weight, I'm trying to change my lifestyle, to be healthier and to live a better quality life.   We live in an instant gratification society and I'm as guilty as the next person of wanting what I want now, not tomorrow, not 2 months from now.  It's hard to not resort to throwing myself on the floor in a tantrum of impatience and scream and kick my feet. 

When the plateau occurs there are a number of ways that I can deal with it.  I can give up and say fuck it, I'm not working my ass off to see no results.  I can decrease my food intake.  I can exercise more.  Or, I can follow the long term investment plan. 

All of these choices come with consequences.  If I give up of course I will fail and the ultimate goal that I am trying to achieve will go unmet.   I've lost a few pounds and then I'll put it right back on with a little more to spare.  If I eat less I step onto a slippery slope of starvation diet.  That's right, I eat less and less until I'm not eating at all.  That's another kind of eating disorder that would take me from the frying pan into the fire.  I could exercise more, but I'm not sure when I could possibly do that.  I work out for an hour and a half in the morning and take at least a hour hike at night.  Not only do I not have the time but I don't want to trade one addiction for another.  There is a healthy level of exercise and then there is compunction, obsession, addiction.  That leaves the long term investment plan.  It's how I keep my financial health, so why is it not good enough to keep my physical health?  I'm not investing in tomorrow, I'm investing in the next 30 years.  My portfolio will grow over time at a nice rate of about .05% per month.  Not even Suze Orman would scoff at that.

So I'll keep driving along this plateau until eventually  I either climb into the mountains or roll down into a picturesque valley.  It won't be effortless, or fun, but it's worth it. 

In Wyoming if you drive far enough the gorgeous plateau ends.  Nothing good lasts forever, but then nothing bad does either.

If any of you are interested in may these kind of life changes I highly recommend you go to  This lady is great at giving you the tools necessary to make some serious progress.  

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I love food

It's true, I love food.  I love the way it tastes, it's texture, it's smell, the way it looks when arranged appetizingly on a plate.  I especially love food that is well prepared and cooked correctly...fresh food.  So why then have I become addicted to processed crap? 

That's the age old questions isn't it.  How do we as humans go from eating fresh, whole great tasting food to eating plastic, artificial tasteless crap and more importantly how do we and when do we start to prefer a twinkie over a avocado?  It's a complete mystery to me.  I certainly never realized it was happening.  I assume it's because most processed foods have the ingredients that addict us.  Sugar and fat.  Sugar and fat, like heroine only worse.  The food industry has understood this fact for quite sometime, sort of like the tobacco industry understood what about cigarettes would be addicting.   So I stand before you and say, I'm addicted to food. 

The problem with being addicted to food is the fact that we HAVE to eat in order to survive.  Unlike other addictions we can't just stop cold turkey and never imbibe again.  It's like an alcoholic sitting at the bar for just one drink and being able to push their selves away.  That can't happen.  That's what to me makes changing my eating behaviors so difficult.  So the dilema is how to maintain love for food but avoid being addicted to it? 

After much consideration I came up with the idea that what I'm really addicted to is sugar and fat.  I'm surely not addicted to asparagus.  Don't get me wrong, I like asparagus, but I'm sure I can push myself away from it.  So the answer to my problem is to avoid foods that are over processed and contain an abundance of sugar and fat.  In fact, quit those two items cold turkey.  Push myself away from the table.  And no, for you out there asking, it's not that easy.  You have to put up with the cravings, your body detoxing and honestly the comfort of those types of food.  It's damn hard, but I can do it and so can you.

So I can love food and it's ok.  I can still eat and at the same time avoid my addictions.  Balance, is the key. 

I love it!!  The things I'm learning about myself and food and health during this process is energizing and extremely fun.  A tip for any out there on the same journey as myself.  Keep learning.  Keep your curiosity about how these things work and you will not fail to make some important life changes. 

Next blog will be about how to love food but not be obsessed by it.  Oy!!!

For anyone needing to talk about life changes I highly recommend you go to  This lady is great at giving you the tools necessary to make some serious progress. 

Friday, April 6, 2012


WWSBD?  has become my mantra.  What Would Skinny Bitch Do?  Remember a few years ago when they had bracelets for What Would Jesus Do?  This is my version.  Perhaps it will help me in my quest to think skinny.  

Had a really awful day today.  Work was incredibly stressful.  Came home and want to sit in my recliner and drink cocktails and eat something really really bad for me.  My behavior modification kicked in and I went for a long walk with my dog.  I felt much better after.  Stress gone and I didn't have the after pigfest guilts.  I'll guarantee that I'll feel even better tomorrow. 

Some days it's just really hard to maintain.  Today I succeeded and that's enough for today.  Tomorrow the battle continues.  

Remember WWSBD 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Thinking Like a Skinny Bitch

I was sitting at the food court in the mall the other day.  As is my habit I was people watching.  I'm not a huge fan of people in general, but I do like to study them in their unnatural environment.  As long as I don't have to interact I'm a happy camper.

On this particular day I was studying what food choices people were making at the food court. It became almost immediately apparent to me the difference in the choices that slender people make in comparison to those who are overweight.  Not that skinny people weren't eating fries, or food that was fatty and overly processed, they were, but they also practiced other behaviors that negated what they were eating.  For instance I noticed that a large majority of the slender people didn't eat all of their food.  They left some on their plate.  In my unscientific study they seemed to eat a few fries and then were satisfied and were able to leave the table without finishing the rest.  By an overwhelming majority the heavier individuals ate everything that they were served. 

So what does all this rather obvious observation teach me?  Simple.  Slender people think differently than those who are overweight.   It is inherent.  Like a polyglot they think in the language of thin and they do so inherently.  A sort of zen way of eating or as is more often the case, not eating.  Dead simple, if you want to be slender and healthy you need to think like a skinny person.  If you don't change the way you think you are going to fail.  A person who is still thinking fat may lose weight, but they won't make the more important changes that they need to that will insure that they keep the weight off.   So now not only do I have to learn how to think differently, I have to figure out a way to make "skinny thinking" second nature.    Now where did I put that book on Pavlov's Dog? 

Progress Report

As of today I have lost 37 pounds since mid March.  More importantly I feel much better.  I have much more energy and I am moving with much more ease.  My joints feel much better and my skin looks much healthier.

My goal for the month of April is to lose at least 10 pounds.

See you at the food court!!!   I'll be the fat person leaving food on their plate. 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Sleep Deprived

I'm not much of a sleeper.  Well, I take that back...when I do sleep, I sleep very deep and very soundly for about an average of 5 hours per night.   According to the experts that is not enough.  There is evidence that in order to maintain good health, the average adult needs 8-9 hours of sleep a night.  In addition there are studies that show that getting sufficient sleep is integral to weight loss. 

My own experience is conflicted in this case.  While I don't get the number of hours of sleep that I'm supposed to, I always feel rested when I wake up.  I've always been an early riser, usually getting up between 6-7 a.m., even if I go to bed at 1 or 2 a.m.  In fact I would say that is it often a struggle for me to stay in bed and go back to sleep.  Once I'm up, I'm up.  On the other hand, I do sometimes think that what I feel as hunger is actually me being tired.  I have become so disconnected from my physical self that I misread what my body is telling me.  Wait, this is the aha moment of my journey.  I finally figured out that what I am feeling is often anger, sadness, stress, tiredness and a plethora of other feelings, but I'm feeding it like it's hunger. Food is my comfort. 

I'm telling you honestly that broccoli is not comfort food.  Mac and Cheese is, or pizza or any number of unhealthy choices, those are comfortable.  So now I have realized that in addition to not eating when I'm actually hungry, I am eating the absolute wrong foods to feed every other emotion that I am not feeling.

So, how to solve this issue.  It's not rocket science.  It's a matter of taking stock when you go to grab something to eat.  Am I eating because I'm hungry?  Pretty simple huh?  Ha!!  The issue for me is that I have to admit that I'm feeling something else and that it's so overwhelming to me that I don't want to feel it.  Not easy at all.  The big one for me is stress.  Anytime that something at work is stressing me out I immediately go to the cafeteria and find some big muffin or Cinnamon roll and eat it as quick as I can.  Or I used to.  In order to be successful, that coping skill and behavior has to change.  BTW, nothing makes me feel better than a big ice cream cone. 

So, back to pun intended.  If I'm sleep deprived or angry or sad or stressed I will be more susceptible to making bad food choices.  So it is necessary that in addition to taking stock of why I am eating I am also trying to ensure that I sleep more so that I'm well rested.  I'm taking steps to reduce my stress level.  I might take a walk around the block at work when things get really thermal nuclear, or exercise, play with my dog, talk to a friend.  When I'm angry I go work out on my heavy bag.  It's great exercise and I get to punch whoever is pissing me off the most at the moment, if only in my imagination.  When I take care to do all these things in addition to my eating plan and exercise regimen it ensures more success in my endeavor.

Thanks for listening. 

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sick of being a lard ass

How the hell did this happen?  How did I not notice?  In what year did I start avoiding the mirror?  When did I enter the denial stage?  When did I become so disconnected? When did I get so fat? 

Ever ask yourself those questions?  It happened to me just recently.  Now don't get me wrong I knew that I was gaining weight because I had to buy bigger clothes, I couldn't participate in the same activities I used to and I did venture onto a scale every once in a while.  But I was not in contact with my physical body.  I was purposely ignoring it and what it was telling me.  Total and utter disassociation.  Finally I have reaped the rewards of that denial and I am 120 pounds overweight. 

I can use all sorts of excuses about why this happened.  I was extremely stressed at work and I tend to eat my stress.  I don't want to deal with emotion so I eat it instead.  All the usual suspects.  But just like any other issue, like a big fat greasy doughnut it rolled away from me. 

In February I realized I could continue to wallow in my excuses or I could get off my robust gluteas maximus  and finally reconnect with my body and what it had become and work at getting it where I need it to be.  I say need because I need it to be more healthy, to be able to lead a more positive life and to feel better about myself.  I need to lose weight for my body, but also for my spirit, mind and emotional health. 

So what to do. 

I had a couple of friends who gave me some direction.  They gave me access to an eating plan that works for them and I started it.  In three weeks time I lost 20 pounds.  I went on vacation and lost 5 more.  Something I had never managed to do in all of my 48 years.  When I returned from vacation I continued on the plan and have so far dropped another 5 pounds.

I'm under no illusion that I will continue to lose weight this fast.  I will at some point plateau and the weight will come off slower and that's when the real test will begin.  To keep my frustration level down and to continue to treat my body well, exercise and eat good whole healthy food and not resort to feel good momentary satisfaction.   I've also made up my mind to blog about my experience because I know that it will help me and it might inspire some others out there who may want to make some life changes. 

This isn't going to be easy.  It's not going to be quick.  I didn't gain this weight overnight (thou sometimes it feels like I woke up one morning and went "hey, what happened"?)  and I can't lose it overnight.  I'm not dieting.  I'm choosing a different lifestyle and making better food and exercise choices.  I know, I've heard those statements before and rolled my eyes just like you just did.  But it's true folks. 

For those of you who are interested in my progress you are welcome to follow along.  For those that are not, please ignore at your leisure.  For those that have questions, please feel free to ask.  At some point I will be posting my plan and exercise regimen and put you in touch with my life coach who has helped me make these decisions and continues to provide sage advice and direction on how to proceed.  I will also be posting pictures in the next few days so that those of you who are interested will be able to follow along.

For those of you asking why make this a public event?  Simple, incentive.  It will make me work harder and stay on track.  That's the kind of personality I have.

Wish me luck and thanks for listening.