Sunday, May 6, 2012

Just call me Daffy Duck

I tend to slam through life like the proverbial bull in a china shop.  I can't remember ever being reflective, just blast through to the next thing at mach 1 with my hair on fire.  This tendency, while not exactly expansive has served it's purpose in my life.  I have no regrets.  I don't think back and say if only I had done it this way, or if I had made this decision, or not done this.  I've never had a guilty conscience, nor do I want to go back and have do overs.  Recently I have figured out that this modus operandi is a survival technique. I needed it to navigate my way through the mine fields of my existence, however perhaps I have grown past the point in my life when I needed to operate this way and needed to search out a more meaningful existence. 

I don't know why it is but I've been very introspective of late.  I've been thinking about how I got to where I am, I guess in preparation to figure out where I'm going from here.  For the first time in my life I am thinking not just in the present, but in the future; and more specifically how my present behavior and the choices I make are going to affect my future.

My journey isn't just about weight loss folks.  You might say I've had a series of small epiphanies.  Nothing grandiose, just little every day mini enlightenment.   Maybe it's because I'm sitting still for periods of time now days, instead of doing a complete daffy duck impression.  Or maybe it's because somebody who I admired as shown me the example of what a blessing a fully examined life can be.  That in order to grow as an individual I need to figure out how to make better decisions.  Maybe it's my current obsession with reading the obituaries in the paper and wondering what mine might say and how I am defined.  Not how you define me, but how do I define myself.  If I'm not Mary Lou's daughter or Jacob's mother, or so and so's boss, who the hell am I?  Once I started on this question it opened up a whole bunch of new cans of worms. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I have any regrets about the decisions I've made to this point, I'm just saying that in reviewing the decisions I've made I might make a different choice in the future. I did some dumb ass things in my youth, and frankly I continue to do dumb ass things, but if I'm to become a fully evolved Sarah, I need to make some changes and become less reactionary and more thoughtful.  Wish me luck. 

I have lost an additional 5 pounds in the last week.  I don't know why or how, I haven't altered anything I'm doing.  I'll take it even if I don't know how I did it.

Stay tuned, next week I'm going to address my working out and rediscovering the athlete I buried under layers of fat.



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